S. Leannán

(His Words – 1)

…

“ … But Tonight…”

…

You came to me without a word
You touched me and I shivered

You had laid your hand on my wrist
And between your fingers and my skin
Trickling to the floor the ice was melting…
You had just came in and you had noticed
What they,  here,  had not seen for days.
To look at others there are so many ways…

You wanted to know and I explained
Why I left so many things on the shelf
Why I could beat others but not myself…
It was a cold foggy night and it rained

We were soaked before we got to your car
Yet only a few strides from my place…
So running there seemed the wisest by far
And side by side we forced the pace…

You were freezing but you took from me
The bath towel I had fetched for you
And with a smile wrapped it round me
I felt dizzy just from being close to you…

All I knew, everything present, everything past
Sank into the second I gazed into your eyes
Did it really matter how long it would last ?
Did it matter whether it was foolish or wise ?

I only knew that nothing would be the same again
I had both died and come to Life that one night
And as I watched you sleeping in my arms so tight
I didn’t ask what would come next,  joy or pain

…

For so long struggling had always felt aimless…
You came into my world and filled its emptiness
And the void in my heart seemed an illusion
Your laughter was the sweetest persuasion

Of all those months that slipped away
Each minute,  each breath  was a  bliss
But I guess it had to end someday…
One morning I felt something was amiss
And the next I knew it was all over
Nothing in this world lasts forever…

…

You had said that I’d have to accept
Your choices whatever they would be
And my promise until now I have kept
But tonight as I go I feel you near me
As I have  for all this time  ever since
And I need to tell you so many things…

I know why you left and I understand
Why your fears ended up in such a blend
My own for years had made a weird mixture…
You had as many reasons to fear the future
That I’ve ever had to live for the moment
And while I would not have lived without you
I knew that sooner or later I would leave you…
Now I’m tired of going against the current
It was gentle but lately it grew strong
And I have to let it carry me along

…

I can feel you here with me so clearly now…
That’s more than I hoped for and all I need
You think that you left me but you never did
We’ve been together all the time I know

None of my nights, my Love, have been lonely
For in all my dreams  I always hold  you…
And I know that in your arms you hold me too
Your heart beating against mine so gently…

I often tell you how things are going
And I know that you hear everything
But I realise that tonight might cause quite a stir
And I feel anxious about what you’ll hear louder
Once my words from your memory have vanished
My Love what they will say you must not believe
Do know that what’s happening I had not wished
And that for me  I do  not  want  you  to  grieve

I never gave up when I could make a difference
But there’s a time when struggling becomes a waste
It’s quite tiring to be seen as an anecdotal evidence
Some kind of medical reference they cut and paste…

It’s poisoned not only my body but also my soul
And leaves me so beside myself at some point
That my mind and reactions seem out of joint…
Only now as I finally give in I feel in control…

I didn’t want any of this to happen but what could I do ?
No matter what, I wouldn’t have made it and I knew…

…

The glass was cracked and it broke in my hand…
While picking up the pieces I just cut myself deeper
My phone was down and I couldn’t find my beeper
I knew the neighbours had left for the weekend…

I took the latest pills and I sure did all I could
But I had to relax before I could drive to town
I needed to breathe, gather myself and calm down
It would take a minute, I really thought it would…

I tried to focus on the music while sitting on my bed
But there were too many images swirling in my head
So I laid down  and by the time they’d finally  still
I found that getting up was simply beyond my will

At that point I lacked strength, not motivation
This wasn’t my choice but there was no option…

…

I knew what it meant but I wasn’t nervous…
As before under my brushes on the canvas
From red and black the colours in my mind
Had finally changed to soft purples and blues
…
This  is not a battle  and  We  cannot lose
Wherever it leads me I know what I’ll find
…
…

(S. Leannán)

…

…

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… To Whom It May Concern …
…
-  “Without a Fight”   (Part 1) 
-   The Scribe’s Notes    (Part 2) 
-  ”… but Tonight…”   (Part 3)
-  ”Hear Me…”   (Part 4)…